Zaftig

Starting week two of working after baby. No tears (that I can remember, but baby brain is in full effect) and I am really quite happy to be back to my classes! It's a somewhat conflicting state, wanting to be home with Caid but also relishing the joy of teaching. As one of my students said, how lucky to WANT to be in those two places when so many people don't want to be in any of their commitments. I can't believe I'm going to use this word, mark the date, but I am blessed. I love my work and I adore being a mom. The good news was I was able to walk (though pretty damn sore) after my first fitness class in which I got lightheaded no less than 3 times. I'll take that as nature's high rather than a mark of being grossly out of shape. My body is not the same. Thank you to the kind souls saying I don't look like I had a baby, but I absolutely do and moreover, I feel it. Besides my substantially softer, fuller physical appearance -- zaftig if you'd like (I had to Google that word to make sure it was right, who am I?) I am much weaker, much tighter, unsure of my movements and yes, at times, incredibly frustrated. After having a really healthy pregnancy and exercising throughout, the recovery is not at all how I envisioned. Then again, neither was the birth. Having a C-section was a massive learning experience for me. I'll save that for another post. I thought I'd be back in pre-baby shape by now. The last day I was in the hospital, I was dressed and ready to leave when a new nursing assistant came in, looked around and then skeptically asked me if I was the patient. I replied yes, with a little confusion and possibly insulted, and she said I looked too fit to have just had a baby so she was looking for the mom. Needless to say, my EGO surged with pride and we talked fitness for 30 minutes. The fact I'm even sharing that story shows how important that interaction was to my identity. I'm not proud of that. That was how I expected things to be post baby. My core is completely different and it can be downright scary at times to ask those muscles to do things that were once familiar. This is the most out of my body I have felt since I was truly zaftig my freshman year of college! -- Aside, zaftig is so much kinder than fat, chubby, etc. I should have been using it for years! I digress. -- I want to push myself to feel confident and strong and to do the movements that once felt so good, and I also want to be smart and safe so I don't cause more damage. Another conflicted state. This path back is truly a practice in self love and yoga! (And possibly buckling and buying bigger jeans. Sigh.) Long story short, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Beating myself up for fleshy arms and cellulite isn't going to fix it, but neither is eating cookies and binge watching HGTV! BALANCE.

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