I'm 4 days into taking some time off from teaching my classes to have more time to be with my sweet baby before he turns 1 on the 30th. I started writing this yesterday when he was napping on me and I took this picture. I'm finishing my thoughts today while he is sleeping on me again.
In addition to these snuggles, these 4 days saw me go TO yoga 4 days in a row! I also hit the Santa Monica stairs and today, a dance class. Perfect quadfecta of favorite things. Oh wait, and I'm writing! Quinfecta? God, I feel good! A mere 4 days and wow. It feels so decadent to do the things I love and still have time to be with my little man! Isn't that ridiculous?
When I talk about Caid turning 1, there's such a mix of responses as well as emotions from me. Some people say, "whew, you made it!" Others share my, "gah, stay little!" And I'm sure both of these reactions are based on their experiences parenting or their assumptions of the first year of being a mother. I am thrilled to watch this spectacular baby navigate into toddling. He's smart, funny, snuggly, observant, independent and simply beautiful. Really hear these (overused) words: this experience (and baby) has been my greatest gift. And while I'm excited for this milestone, I am nostalgic and maybe a little sad to see his first year behind us.
Lots of parents talk about how hard the first year is, especially moms. Throughout, I've thought, hmmm, this really hasn't been too hard for me. I didn't want to say it out loud because I wasn't sure if I was missing something or maybe Caid was about to hit a hard phase. I mean, there were some challenges -- c section recovery, some physical annoyances, the general concerns a baby brings into life, like why won't you sleep? Followed shortly by PANIC! Why did you sleep for 8 hours without any noise! Maybe it didn't feel too hard because I'm older so I don't care to go out anymore and I don't have friends regaling me with stories of raging while I was home pumping every three hours to keep my milk supply up. I've never been a great sleeper so when I had to nurse during the night, it wasn't the biggest deal. I actually think I've been training for that my whole life! Would've been a damn shame if I never got to put that to use. Cleaning pee off the floor because I wanted Caid's bits to air out before re-diapering or clothes becoming truly one time wear only or having to make sure there's actual food to feed baby? NOT hard. Thank God I live in LA and can get anything delivered!
What the last few days have reinforced is that finding time for all the things you love when you have a baby IS hard. I would love to go to yoga, the stairs and dance plus time to write every day, oh, and teach my classes because I love that too and need to fund my food deliveries, but then I wouldn't have time with Caid. Oh wait, I could go to class after Caid goes to bed, and you know how that would've made this first year feel? HARD! Though admittedly, I am sure good too.
Some positives as this amazing year one comes swiftly to an end: I stopped pumping milk a few months ago so I no longer have phalanges stuffed in my sports bra with a sweatshirt draped across me (if I had one) to extract a mere 3 ounces of milk as I drive between classes/clients or have to remember to pack clean pump parts in the morning as I leave for the day. The hormones... After 3 months of clogging the shower during the summer, my already thin hair is growing back. Yes, my hair fell out and I have a two inch outcropping of bangs all over my head. My post-baby pimples might finally be starting to clear up, wrapping up the most unattractive year of my life. I still cry at kindness which first I blamed on pregnancy hormones and now I blame on postpartum hormones, but let's be honest, the hormones have nothing to do with it but provided a handy excuse. Since my weepiness is not going anywhere, thank God the other stuff is because a pimply faced bald-ish crier is frightening.
I speculate that in addition to providing invaluable love, nurturing and the hardwired NEED to be with your baby, this is part of why other developed counties give mothers a year off. One year. A year to get back to feeling like yourself, and to do the things that bring you joy while still having ample time with your baby. I will never regret that I skipped yoga or dance class or a workout to be with Caid, but I can still wish that I was able to do it all. I know not every mother feels the way I do and some even navigate all the things they love, but I'm betting it wasn't easy. As a matter of fact, feeling how impactful these four days (that is 1/2 of a week!) have been on my state of being, I stand by my statement that being a new mom was just not that hard for me. However, new momming AND doing ME? Not so easy. Apparently, I simplified the challenge and I chose momming and it was the right choice for me. I am forever grateful I was given this choice to make.